Can you critique the beginning of my book?

I actually think it's quite good. You do know that you need to indent when someone speaks, right? And be careful of coma use. (Their breathing was soft and untouched, fragile almost. The night sparkled in their eyes.) Check your spelling and grammar. You're very descriptive and I liked what you wrote. If you ever need any feedback email me: xxfalloutgurlxx@gmail.com. I'd like to read more of this.